Last night I came home & went for a walk, as I usually
do. Every evening I try to walk at least 1.5 miles after work with Princess.
It’s good for both of us. Lately I’ve been walking to houses I am interested in
seeing. We would like to move within a few mile radius of where we are now,
because we love the area so much.
This weekend we were in a bidding war for a wonderful home,
and lost. I’m still praying for a miracle – as unlikely as I know it is…the “Positivity”
in me can’t give up yet. As much as
everyone said “If it’s meant to be, it will be” to us, it didn’t soften the
blow when I heard “We lost.” This came to me about 3:30 yesterday, with an hour
left in my workday. My spirits then began to deflate, bringing me to a
full-blown meltdown around 10pm.
I know, I know…”It’s
just a house.” The house isn’t what the meltdown was about. The meltdown
was because I was feeling inadequate. “I don’t feel passion for anything. I
don’t work out. I feel fat. I feel like I don’t do anything anymore….” The list went on from there. My husband is a
saint and always takes my meltdowns in stride. When they are over, BOY do I
feel better. And I have to say, I learn a lot about myself when they occur.
This is what I’ve learned from this round:
1.
Things happen when they’re meant to happen. I
know this, I’ve always known this, and nothing will ever change it. Sometimes I
just need a nudge to remind me, I can’t control the world.
2.
Horses were a chapter I may open again in the
future, and just because they aren’t around right now doesn’t mean I don’t have
ANYTHING. Hello, wonderful husband, loving family, amazing job, perfect &
beautiful dog, incredible condo?? Friends who are by my side day in & day
out?! Yeah. I am passionate about a lot of things, and sometimes I just forget.
That’s all! I forget. Time to remind myself more often :)
3.
I’m a 6. Not a 4. I may NEVER be a 4 again. The
things I had to do to remain a 4 with 24-year-old hips made me crabby all the
time and overwhelmed. I stressed if I ate one bite too much of anything &
wanted to hurl at the sight of any grease. It wasn’t worth it to me, so I
settled into my new size 6 frame and now I am learning about myself all over
again. I’m not “fat”, I’m just not 16 years old anymore. A few years ago I was
so stressed I fell down into the size 2 zone & it wasn’t pretty. I’m not
built to be a size 2. I’m a size 6 and I love my body. Again, I just need a
reminder now & then.
4.
I don’t ride anymore, this we know. But, I
forget how much I ENJOY my time now. It’s okay that I’m not rushing from place
to place every day & night. I get to walk our beautiful dog EVERY day! I
enjoy the neighborhoods, enjoy my body, and enjoy Princess. I have to remember
that just because I gave one thing up doesn’t mean I’m not myself. I’m a new me…and
that’s okay.
5.
I do a lot. A LOT. I cook, I clean, I house
search (for way too many hours…it’s an obsession, I will fully admit it), I
craft, I sew, I read. Not so long ago, I remember crying & begging God for
ONE night to read a few pages of a book. I begged for the time to have a little
peace and quiet. Now that I have it, I forget how much of an adjustment it is.
I don’t miss my old ways, some days I just forget to appreciate my new routine.
I hope you all take the time for a good meltdown now &
then. It’s freeing, it’s refreshing, it’s a good reminder to appreciate what
you have, and what you’ve evolved into being. You are probably very different
than your 18 year old self – and you are still wonderful. Change is the only certainty, right? Say it
with me: I am wonderful because I am different now. I am wonderful because I’ve
grown and changed and learned from my mistakes. I am wonderful.
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