The kind of mom I want to be

Once you are a mom, you're always thinking (or is it just me?) about what "kind" of mom you want to be.

For me, I have a lot of great mom role models.

I remember seeing photos on Facebook of one mom who always made pumpkin pancakes for her kids in the fall. I saw them and thought, "That's the kind of mom I want to be."

I remember realizing that some moms bring their kids on zoo outings when the weather is nice, just because. "That's the kind of mom I want to be."

Or the mom who takes her boys on road trip adventures full of educational opportunities and unforgettable experiences. "That's the kind of mom I want to be."

What about the mom who always looks effortlessly put together and even when she isn't, doesn't seem bothered by it? "That's the kind of mom I want to be."

The mom who calmly reacts in public to her toddler's outburst by giving him a hug. "That's the kind of mom I want to be."

The mom who goes hiking with her family, nursing and wearing the baby while patiently allowing the toddler to explore and experience nature. "That's the kind of mom I want to be."

The mom who bounces right back into comfortably taking time for herself, leaving her baby with someone she loves and trusts while enjoying an evening out of the house. "That's the kind of mom I want to be."

The mom who still goes on dates with her husband, because she knows how important it is to keep the flame alive in her marriage. While they are out, she isn't anxiously thinking about how the kids are or if they are in bed for the sitter. "That's the kind of mom I want to be."

The mom who goes to baby and me yoga. "That's the kind of mom I want to be."

The mom who uses "quiet time" as an opportunity to read and be read to by her child. "That's the kind of mom I want to be."

The mom who always lends an understanding ear, doesn't pass judgement and never has a snarky remark. "That's the kind of mom I want to be."

I think there are a lot of kinds of moms. And I think every one I know is pretty damn great.

This week is Thanksgiving; a time to be thankful for all the things in our lives. In the spirit of the holiday, I'd like each of you to think about the kind of mom you want to be. Then stop, and realize that you probably already are that kind of mom. Be thankful that you are a mom. And you're freaking awesome at it. Thanks for being here. And thanks for being so cool being you.

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Round 2 Postpartum Favorites

My first time around postpartum I thought I knew what was good. I thought I knew what I was doing. This time every single experience has been different.

When you're a first time mom, you get time to heal and cherish the snuggles and relax and nap and "get back on your feet".

When you're experiencing postpartum recovery with a toddler, it's kind of eat or be eaten. There is almost no time to nap, or sit still or heal. You just have to do it.

Because of that, I am grateful for a few fabulous products that helped push me along the way and heal much more quickly than I imagined I would.

1) Earth Angel Mama Baby: Mama Bottom Balm

Please excuse my language, but this sh*t is bananas. It's no secret that late pregnancy and delivery can cause hemorrhoids and this is the ONLY stuff I have found that actually heals them. As in, gone. Relief the moment you apply it and then POOF! Hemorrhoids away. I mean, they come back depending on your "schedule" or "regularity" but another dab of this stuff and you don't even notice. You just feel relief. Thank you, Meg for teaching me about this wonderful product.

2) Peri bottle in every bathroom

Having a toddler and a newborn, you have to keep an eye on both all the time because toddlers love to try and "help". My toddler wanted to "help" a few days in by climbing into the Rock N Play and snuggling the newborn when I was microwaving his lunch for THIRTY SECONDS. That's how long it took. Thirty seconds. You can't take your eyes off either for even that long (which is exhausting). That said, you can't just have all of your postpartum healing items in one bathroom either because if you did, you'd have to bring the whole family into the bathroom with you every time. It's best to have every bathroom set up with your postpartum necessities so wherever you are, you can stop, drop (your pants) and roll with the urge to do your business and tidy up your underthings. That means a peri bottle in every bathroom - DO NOT FORGET THE PERI BOTTLE! It is essential because you can't wipe. You must spray.

You can ask for extras in the hospital or order a multipack like this from Amazon. The choice is yours, but don't leave home without one either. While you're at it - ask for like a hundred extra mesh undies too. Those are the bomb. NO LAUNDRY!

3) Kotex Overnight Maxi Pads

Do you know what is worse than having stitches in your hoo-hoo? Having stitches that catch, drag and pull on your maxi pad on your hoo-hoo. Always brand maxi pads are the most irritating material and tugged on my stitches. Hello, that is absolutely horrendously painful. I just found Kotex this week and I am a convert. I will never go back to Always. Kotex is much softer, more absorbent and does NOT catch on my stitches. Total win. 

4) Handheld snacks 

This can be left for your own interpretation but I bought granola bars, NutriGrain bars and 100 calorie packs of almonds before I delivered and they've been amazing. I don't always have a chance to sit down and eat "real" food or meals because I am always chasing one or nursing the other. Individually wrapped snacks are helping me keep my calorie intake up as well as my energy. I load my diaper bag with them too so I always have something to eat on the go. 

5) All Purpose Nipple Ointment (APNO) 

This is something you need a Rx for and it isn't cheap...and not all pharmacies make it. While you are still in the hospital, ask your OB or midwife to send a prescription in for it - your lactation consultant will know the correct way to write the prescription if your OB doesn't so have the two of them chat it out. This ointment is a Godsend because it prevents infection from the open sores you may get from early nursing days. 

I nursed LW for a year and went through the ringer, but that doesn't mean that Mo came out and I immediately remembered how to properly latch a newborn to my breast. Quite the opposite, actually! He nursed well and willingly from the start but I didn't realize I allowed him to have a lazy latch so I was blistering by hour 23 of his life. Having the APNO to apply after every nursing session while my open sores heal gives me the confidence to know I am as protected as can be from infection. 

6) A good support system

Nothing can *really* prepare you for childbirth. Whether it's your first or your seventh, having a strong support system in place will help you tremendously. 

Something not many people know about me is that with LW, I suffered from PPD. I denied it until he was about 6 months old, at which point acceptance was all I needed. Once I accepted that I had a problem and something was not right, things clicked and started to steer back towards normal. 

I specifically remember driving to the hospital for my first visit to breastfeeding support group and listening to LW scream in the back seat. He was ten days old. I was crying all the time. He was crying all the time. We didn't know how to do right by one another and every second seemed to be a never-ending loop of frustration to me. He didn't sleep the way I expected. He didn't nurse the way I expected...and instead of realizing it's okay to be different I got frustrated with what I thought was expected. I remember driving on the highway that day and crying. I cried and told him if he didn't behave I would leave him at the hospital for some mom who wanted him. 

If you feel this way about your baby, you need help. Don't deny it. Don't hide it (like I did) and don't be ashamed of it (guilty, again). Hormones are big and powerful things, especially after experiencing something as grand as childbirth. 

I am thankful to report that this time around I have no symptoms of PPD. I am completely obsessed and in love with Mo in every possible way and I can hardly stand to leave the room when he is in it. I like to think I just have it together this time, but the truth is, I have an incredible support system. I have more group text threads than I can count of other moms simply asking, "Hey! How is it going today?" and checking in on me every day. Talk about feeling loved!

They say raising children takes a village. While you may not *see* a village around me, there is one tucked neatly in my iPhone and they are the reason my head is on straight this go around. I wouldn't be the mom I am without the love and support from my peers. I love you, ladies!!! You know who you are <3 

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Pregnancy: 38 Week Update

How far along?: 38 Weeks

Size of baby: We're guessing in the 8lb range. Total guess.

Weight gain: Does it really matter? I'm going to say no.

Movement: A lot of times it feels like Aunt Bethany's cat is in my belly. You know, from Christmas Vacation?

When he isn't spazzing the H out, it feels like he's a yogi.

Symptoms: They've become quite unpleasant. As in, I'm wearing padsicles now....because there are "things" going on "down there" that are just plain unpleasant. Thankful I had two bags of padsicles made already. Because I am really darn uncomfortable.

I sleep alright from about 10pm-3am (with potty breaks) and then I toss and turn for a while. I get up and stretch at 4am on my ball. Many mornings I can't fall back asleep. Luckily, I've been able to catch some great, long naps lately while LW takes his naps. Lots of time outside with him is helping me stay busy and active and helps him need long naps :) Win/win.

Cravings: Ice cream. A lot of it.

Looking forward to: We've scheduled induction for the evening of 6/7. So if he doesn't come before then, there is a good possibility his birthday will be 6/8. I am really really looking forward to meeting him.

So many people have said, "Enjoy this time with LW!" and "Enjoy these last days of pregnancy!" and "Life with just one child is so much easier!!! Enjoy it while you can!!" And with all due respect, I'd like to say something:

When I got pregnant, it was on purpose. The purpose was to have another child. So, can I just be excited to meet him? Can I look forward to nursing him? Can I be happy that our family is about to grow? I'm not a dipstick. I know it's going to come with challenges....but, eh....I signed up for that. 

Can I be honest and just say I'm sick of being pregnant? Pregnancy is beautiful and wonderful for a lot of people. For me, it is from about week 13 through week 32. And that's all. I gain wait like a farm animal and feel worse than a canned ham. My body at the end of pregnancy feels like the worst. I've had my fun. Fun is over. Fork lift me out of here and into the delivery room, please.

Generally speaking, I am a very positive person. I try to live in the moment. "Enjoy the journey." Whatever. I'm ready for the next road in this journey. The one that ends in a baby on my breast.

Things I can't stop thinking about: Seeing LW as a big brother <3 My heart swells just thinking about it. I think he's going to love Mo so much. He's going to be the best brother ever.

Oh, and I can't stop thinking about the fact that by a week from today, I will have another baby. Hopefully sooner than a week from today. Hopefully like, tomorrow.

Side note on induction: I was undecided about the induction because LW was born at 38w5d but when he was born we realized he was "older" than we had calculated. I felt guilty thinking we were "forcing" Mo out before he's ready, but the other side of me knows that my physical and mental strength is only getting worse the longer I am pregnant.

My midwife was willing to let me go beyond 40 weeks with Mo to see if he'd come on his own, but we opted to split the difference. He will cook for 39w3d before we induce which gives me mental relief knowing there is an end date. Physical relief from carrying him and still giving him a shot to "cook" for an appropriate amount of time. She says she is confident the induction will lead to a successful vaginal delivery, which is another important thing to me. I feel like this is a great compromise all-around. However, we all would love for Mo to come on his own before we need to take that step on Sunday evening.

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Pregnancy: 34 Week Update

How far along?: 34 Weeks

LW was born about 4 weeks after that photo was taken (above) so I'm hoping we have about 4 weeks left until Mo joins us out in the world. Praying. Wishing. 

Size of baby: Cantaloupe

Weight gain: I went in last week and learned I had lost a pound! So that puts me at 28lb gained total. But, I am going in tomorrow so we'll see what the verdict is then. 

Nursery: Okay, this is a terrible photo, but the curtains are hung!!!!!! 

Oh and don't mind LW climbing into the crib. He does that every chance he gets, just to remind us that he still can. We got it buddy. You're a champion crib-climber. 

Hubs also hung up the art work in Mo's room so a few tiny touches are left and we're ready for baby! 

Movement: A lot. All the time. Lots of it. 

Symptoms: Every day I seem to hit a point earlier and earlier lately. It's the "I. Just. Can't. Even." point. So I've been reading pregnancy memes every night to make myself feel better and remind myself that I'm not alone. All pregnant women go through this. Today I actually cried because my body hurts and I'm tired and....I just can't even. 

These are my favorite third trimester pregnancy memes:

And I'm crabby. OH am I crabby. Probably for the reasons mentioned above. Tired. Body hurts. Fat. Want a doughnut. Want ice cream. Eat it all. Body still hurts. Feel fatter. Repeat. 

A friend is lending me her peanut shaped exercise ball for the remainder of the pregnancy and I plan to use it for delivery as well. It feels WONDERFUL to sit on something that relieves pressure on my back and hips vs. adding pressure. WONDERFUL! My midwife suggested it my last pregnancy and I was a dipstick who chose not to listen. 

For those curious how it works for delivery (which yes, I will be getting an epidural unless we're in extreme circumstances), I found this video to spell it out: 

Cravings: Sweets. And pineapple. And none of that fruit tray sh*t. I'm talking somewhat overripe, bright @$$ yellow, fresh from the core, juicy and a complete mess, pineapple. Like, exactly the kind that Costco sells pre-cut but I'm too cheap to actually buy. It's like eight dollars. Get real. So I spend $1.39 at Aldi and have to wait four or five days for it to get to the perfect overripeness. My mouth is watering while I write this. 

Also, I eat the entire pineapple in 24 hours. Go ahead and keep judging me. If you've ever been pregnant, you know. 

Looking forward to: 

That about sums it up. 

Things I can't stop thinking about: Do I think? Probably not anymore. I think my brain is actually just mush. Mushy doughnuts. That's what I have in my head in place of brain right now. Mushy doughnuts.

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I Chose Me.

This blog post has been a long time coming.

I wasn't sure how much or how little I wanted to share about the last few weeks of my life. Usually this blog is a tell-all for most things "Jess" but a friend reminded me that it's okay to keep some things private and I have to say, I agree in this instance.

For all involved, it's been a very tumultuous few weeks. Particularly for me. I've been through more emotional and mental strain in Feb of 2015 than ever in my life and I hit the lowest, darkest place I've ever been.

What's important now, is that of all the choices I could have made, the choice I did make was for me. I chose me. 

Starting today, I am a full time mom. That's all. I'm finally just a mom.

That's not to say that I don't plan to pursue other endeavors, because I do and it is important to me that I contribute to my family. However, for the first time in a long time I feel like myself again. I feel like Jess. Happy, satisfied, excitable, positively bubbly, overwhelmingly friendly....Jess. I'm not faking it anymore. I'm not pretending and putting on my happy face to make the outside world think all is well. I'm really feeling like myself again.

I finally feel like making mini-muffins for the neighbors and dropping them off, just because.

I finally feel like going for a walk and exercising my body and mind again.

I finally feel like doing all I can to stretch a dollar or a meal again (which, naturally with a change of income will come a change of lifestyle so that urge is coming at the right time!)

So, thank you for bearing with me the last few weeks and sticking around even though all you've had to read most of the time were my bitty little pregnancy updates.

Thank you for being loyal and kind and caring even though so many of you I have never met.

And thank you for continuing to read. Because coming up I aim to have a plethora of new crafts for moms and for toddlers, design for adult spaces and children's spaces and recipes of course that the whole family will appreciate and enjoy; even some that you can create together!

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Some People

You know, I like to think I'm a nice person.

Every day I stalk Craigslist for my dream double stroller and I've yet to find it for my preferred price, but I have faith that I will.

Tonight I emailed on a double stroller that I thought looked like an InStep but I wanted to email to be sure, since it was a great price. I couldn't tell based on the logo in the photo and I didn't want to miss an opportunity for an older Baby Jogger or something else I could research excessively and fall in love with.

I simply asked, "Hi! What brand is this double stroller?"

Seller responded, "Hi

It's a brand called InStep - popular at Sears & Target. It's not a high end brand but it is as solid as the day we got it. We just do not have a need for it any more." 

I said, "Ok thanks anyway. Not the brand I’m looking for. Good luck!" 

...which would normally be the end of the email thread. But this seller had to go back to me one more time with this: 

WOW. Are you kidding me?! 

Normally I would simply delete the email and brush it off, but I feel like this one needs to be brought to attention because this person was a raging turd.

Here is a little tip in etiquette for anyone who is curious about selling items online: If someone mentions (POLITELY) that they aren't interested, let the conversation end there. DO NOT go back to the potential buyer and belittle them. 

...I mean, you never know if they have a blog or something they will share your nasty emails on ;) 

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Pregnancy: 23 Week Update

How far along? 23 Weeks

Size of Baby:  Mango?! I feel like we're going backwards here...

Weight Gain: Don't know. Don't care :) 

Nursery: We did find a dresser! I scored it for $30 on a Facebook garage sale and Hubs picked it up. It will be refinished navy :) 

Movement: He's busy in there lately - I have started thinking he is actually a weeble wobble. His head is down but his legs will kick over on my right side, then all of a sudden he's over on the left side kicking. He sways from one side to the other with his little booty. 

Symptoms: Tired. Oh am I tired. And I cry almost all of the time. 

Cravings: Nothing really notable this week. The turkey burger craving was fleeting last week. I didn't get another one and survived. 

Carbs taste pretty great though :) 

Looking forward to: putting tiny little cloth diapers on Simon's tiny little bottom. For Valentine's Day, Hubs got me exactly what I wanted, some of the new Ocean prints in the brand new Thirsties NB AIOs. Oh my word are they tiny and adorable.

Things I can't stop thinking about: A few big things are on my mind.... When the time is right, I will share. For now, prayers for patience would be appreciated! 

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One Hour

Yesterday my amazing sitter was here for the morning and spent her time spoiling LW and her son. They colored, crafted, snacked, I'm sure had the usual dance party, read books, played trains...the whole nine yards. So naturally when I had to ask her to stay an extra hour because I forgot to check my conference call schedule prior to having her arrive, I felt really guilty.

She agreed to stay and never bat an eye at my request. That extra hour happened to roll over lunch time, so she also fed her son and mine. I forgot to offer her food for her own lunch.

That one hour changed my attitude for the day. For once, I was able to spend my lunch hour snuggling my child. I could read him a book, watch part of a show and we could cook a soup for dinner together.

I didn't have to make him lunch, or clean up after him or fight to count how many bites he'd taken while I watched the clock to make sure I didn't go over my allotted hour break.

LW spent the entire morning playing, so when it was time for his nap, he just fell asleep without fighting me. I didn't have to take him on a drive in the car or listen to him stomp around his room creating mass destruction for an hour. He just laid down, and went to sleep.

Since I'd already cooked dinner, after work I took our dog to the vet without feeling rushed. I came home and we ate at our leisure...because dinner was ready when we were. Then, I cleaned up and did the dishes from the whole day (a feat that is NEVER done at night, always begrudgingly in the morning before 8am).

Because I had one hour so unselfishly given to me during the work day, I was able to mop my floors that night. Something that (sorry Mom) I hadn't done yet this year. I also folded a mountain of laundry, which may even get put away this week. I did this while LW watched Frozen for the 8,000th time but I didn't feel guilty because I knew he had spent his day playing or peacefully napping.

One hour gave me the relaxation after bedtime to sit and have a conversation with my husband and our company for the evening, a friend who was in from out of town, without eyeing the dishes that hadn't been washed or the laundry that hadn't been folded. Because I'd already done both!!

Hiring someone to come and help me during the day has done wonders for my mentality.

Because of the unselfishness of the person I chose to help me, I am able to be more productive and relax more often.

Whoever your care giver, hug them. Buy them a Starbucks. Remember to offer them lunch. I had no idea the peace of mind an hour would give me.

To our caregiver: As I have said before, we are blessed to have you...and I cannot say thank you enough. Also, I'm really sorry I forgot to offer you lunch. Next time, just eat my food!!! All of it! Any of it!! 

This also goes for Grandmas and Grandpas who spend their days off chasing our wild little beast, changing diapers, battling tantrums, combating naps and wiping snotty noses. You already did your time by raising your own children and still you volunteer your time for your grandchild without a moment of hesitation. Thank you. We appreciate you more than you know.

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On Toddler Naps

Everyone says "Having a newborn is so hard" and "Being a mom is exhausting". While - both of those things are completely true, for me nothing can compare to having a toddler and being pregnant. The level of tired, moody, and frustrated both LW and I get in the frame of one day is frankly overwhelming.

NEWBORNS are frustrating because they cannot communicate whatsoever, or understand you, or clue you in to what the F is worth screaming about for hours...and hours....and hours.

TODDLERS are frustrating because they CAN somewhat communicate, listen, and understand...they just frequently choose not to.

LW isn't a huge verbal communicator yet (a post for another day), so that is one of our points of frustration.

I am 14 weeks pregnant and simply put: I fall asleep anywhere. I can be in the middle of watching a show with him and BAM. I wake up 20 minutes later. Just like that. (Really good parenting, I know).

While we started solids at 6 months via baby led weaning and LOVED it, toddlers have opinions about everything and foods LW loved this morning he hates this afternoon.

All of that said, nothing is as frustrating as the nap time battles.

Because he was climbing out of his crib on a regular basis (with the mattress placed flat on the floor) we had to switch him into a toddler bed. This makes what should be nap time actually "party time" in his bedroom. I have tried every song and dance, and the kid will not fall asleep willingly anymore on his own. Instead, he just runs laps around his bedroom.

So, we are back to newborn days. I have to rock him to sleep and read to him and give him warm tea (which commonly results in my own falling asleep and waking up startling because I feel myself dropping him) OR, (most commonly) the rocking/warm tea/reading regimen fails and I need to take him for a ride in the car.

The beauty of the car trick, albeit "cheating"....is McDonald's is the perfect distance from our home to put him to sleep. So, by the time I get to the drive-thru, I can order myself an ice cream cone and he's asleep so he's none-the-wiser!

But, if he doesn't fall asleep, at least I got an ice cream cone and 15 minutes without having to chase him around :-)

Typically he will sleep 2-3 hours after our car trip so it's worth it :)

What are your nap time tricks?

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Taking Stock

The move put me into a spiral and more than several times a day I say out loud, "I am actually losing my mind...no. I am. This time I am losing it." Which is typically out loud only to myself, or to Princess. She always gazes back in understanding. 

Along Abbey Road just shared this wonderful piece and it instantly inspired me to do the same. I have so many things going on that I don't even know where or what to share with you. So here it is. I'm taking stock (since I was just making stock. ha! ha! HA!!) 

Making: Ring slings..my last two. Forever. (okay, until I have a pregnant friend in need of one)
Cooking: Fall-y things. Stocks, squash, roasting things, chili. 
Drinking: Tea. I've been into spicy teas lately. Orange spice and chai. 
Reading: Nothing. I've been craving to read for weeks - maybe months now. I started The Fault In Our Stars for a second time and got about 70 pages in in one night....and haven't picked it back up because I feel like by the time my behind hits the couch I'm mentally tuned out. Bill holds whole conversations with himself and I am just sucked into the black hole that is my iPhone. Someone needs to take that thing away from me. It's a problem.  
Wanting: Our house to sell. We're living in the new one, but the old one hasn't sold and it's starting to weigh on me (and it hasn't even been a week). 
Looking: For everything. Like Abbey says, there is a black hole following her... There is one following me too. I was in such a stressed tizzy through the pack up/move out phase that I don't know where I packed, moved or unpacked certain things. It's like all of moving was an out-of-body experience for me. I'm exhausted from constantly wondering which house to drive to or where do I store the oatmeal now. 
Playing: A lot of Amazon Prime Playlists. Specifically, "Classical for Yoga", "Indie Pop Commute" (Carried Away by Passion Pit is my current jam) and obviously the instrumental tracks from Frozen. I may or may not have listened to Vuelie (feat. Cantus) on repeat today. 
Wasting: so much time LOOKING FOR STUFF. Ugh. 
Sewing: ring slings! And hopefully little boy cloth diaper pants soon. My goal is to wrap my head around garment sewing, starting with tiny pants for my tiny dude. 
Wishing: I had a doughnut. 
Enjoying: Quiet work time during naps lately when it's just me, my music, my tea and Illustrator. Mmm. It feels good to design again sometimes. 
Waiting: For an answer. 
Liking: Our new neighborhood. It's mostly old people, but they are SO happy to have a young family around. Everyone goes out of their way to wave or stop by to say hello. It's so adorable.
Wondering: If music class next week will be better. Tonight Billy started the next level up in Kindermusik and most of the other kids are way older. I miss our baby class :( 
Loving: That I can wear scarves and boots again. Not even mid-September but I will take it!!
Considering: Making pumpkin pancakes for breakfast. Because Fall. 
Hoping: I fall instantly asleep and when I open my eyes, it's morning. Those nights of sleep are the best. 
Marveling: at how Princess learned her Invisible Fence so quickly. It seemed so grim and then she just learned! So quickly. 
Needing: to go to bed. It's freakin' LATE.
Smelling: Leftovers that we still haven't put away from dinner. Ham and roasted butternut squash w/ cinnamon and nutmeg. 
Wearing: Jammies.
Following: TheBabyGuyNYC a lot lately. The ABC Kids Expo roped me in pretty hard. I am in zero need of baby stuff and here I am, stalking it. I just can't get enough sometimes.
Noticing: I spend too much money on pointless things. Time to cut back. 
Knowing: Tomorrow is another day. It all starts over, fresh and new. A whole new day to explore, adventure, accomplish and produce greatness. 
Thinking: That seems ambitious. ^^
Buying: NOTHING! Time to cut back. Christmas will be here before we know it. 
Feeling: Unsure. I don't even know about what...THAT is how unsure I am. 
Bookmarking: Squash recipes. I just want to eat all the squash. Ever. 
Opening: every drawer and cabinet in search of something I still can't find. Dang. 
Giggling: At Billy answering every question with an honest, "No." and head shake lately. Kid cracks me up. 

So, that's where I am lately. 

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Take A Step Back

Growing up, I was a competitive equestrian. It is an expensive sport, and my parents couldn't afford to buy me the best horses, so my mom taught me early on to appreciate what I have. My parents worked very hard to give me everything they could to support my passion and the lesson still sticks with me today. My mom always said, "There will always be someone prettier, with a more expensive horse, a nicer trailer who can go to more horse shows than you can. Learn to enjoy what you have."

I have chosen the life I live and I love it. I have friends who travel the world and teach children in other countries. I have family who travels the world for work, visiting new states and countries every day or every week and it's all they've ever wanted to do. Me? I chose to work a desk job, live in the suburbs, be married and have children.

And then there's this guy:



Which...seriously, what person could watch that and not think, "Damnnnnn. I should have done THAT with my life!"

But then I take a step back and look around me.

I could choose to see the mess, or I could choose to see how blessed we are with family that loves us and spoils this perfect, precious little boy. That boy whom I nurtured and grew in my body and gave birth to. Who I get to spend all day every day with. Who I am currently listening to as he teaches himself the "Guh" sound.

Right now there are about 5 different musical toys playing songs all at once. The washing machine is so noisy I can hardly hear myself think and although I just cleaned two days ago, more surfaces than I am willing to admit are covered in a fine layer of cat hair.

I could see those negatives, or I could see that we live in a beautiful, now fully updated home. We always have clean clothes to wear. We share our lives with healthy, happy animals.

My sink is full of dirty dishes, because we are able to buy and cook food.

While it is important to have goals, dreams and aspirations, I think it is equally as important to take a step back and think "What I have is awesome too" rather than, "I wish I had what she has". The grass isn't always greener.

Love the life you chose to live. If you don't, then change it. You control your happiness.

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Confessions: Lent

I wasn't sure what to "give up" this year for Lent. Usually I just promise to do more for others instead of myself, and then I forget and do almost nothing differently and generally move on with my life.

I'm not sure if it's the hormones that come with motherhood or what, but I seem to have a ceaseless need to improve myself because I constantly feel I am failing myself and those around me.

Last night a friend of mine (who happens to be a pastor) posted about the Lenten practice of learning to love more deeply, with a link to this book. Immediately, I began to think about Lent differently.

In response to her post, I commented this: ...I was wondering what to give up for Lent and hadn't considered an emotion. 

Overall I am an extremely happy person but with the stress of running a home, being a mother, working full time (from home) and continuing to fuel the fire of my marriage, anxiety is practically my middle name. This turns to stress and anger in the flip of a switch and I am not proud of that. Maybe this year I embrace love and happiness rather than give up something. Hoping that embracing the good will naturally abolish the bad.

Can you relate? I am embarrassed about the things I get angry over.

Just last night I struggled to put together a piece of IKEA furniture and Bill joked, "I wonder what new words Billy learned from watching you do that." That would be a red flag.

I have a beautiful life and I vow to spend more moments celebrating the good than scorning the bad. Starting today I will embrace love and happiness. Envelop the good. Abolish the bad.

For the next 40 days and beyond, I will be singing "Happy" and counting to ten rather than let me stress and anxiety turn to anger in a moment.

*Clap along if you know what happiness is to you* 

Who's with me to be HAPPIER, beginning now?? 

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New Year: Better Me

My resolution last year was to keep things the way they were. I finally felt like I had come into myself and loved where my life was. I feel like I did an ok job keeping that resolution the first half of the year, but the second half (READ: WHEN I BECAME A MOM), I stopped thinking of myself and only thought of my son.

Not a bad thing! Until I started questioning who I was and what I stood for.

This year, my resolution is to be better to myself. That's all.

I am starting the year off right thanks to a Christmas gift from Hubs: I get a free latte every day the whole month of January with my sweet tumbler.

This way, every day I have to take 10 minutes to myself. I have to get out of the house, breathe a little fresh air, and enjoy a beautifully free caffeinated beverage. All for me.

Other "me" indulgences I plan to enjoy this year are weekly yoga classes with a friend, mani/pedis as often as I can afford them, and maybe (big maybe) I'll get back on a horse this year. A friend suggested I start trying to ride once a month, then bump it up to every other week, then to once a week if it fits in my schedule.

I have learned the best way for me to be a better mom and be a better version of myself is to take a little time away from my boy. I love him with every ounce of myself, but I appreciate him even more when I step away from home for a few minutes or hours every so often and come back to him.

I hope these things will aid me in being a better wife as well. I tend to be pretty old-fashioned in my view of "wife" – I like cooking, cleaning, caring for our child. However, the reality is that I work full time and I just can't do everything myself. Being better to myself and taking breaks will help me with that little bit called "patience" that so often gets lost in marriage.

What will you do this year to be better? 

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Little Things

My goal for December is to get back to this little corner of the internet. Honest to blog.

They may not be crafty, inspirational, or photo-heavy posts....but they will be posts!

I talk to my mom all day every day about every little thing happening in my life. We are best friends and it is awesome. Lately the topic of our conversation has been appreciating the little things.

Little Thing 1: 
Billy has begun using his pincer reflex and picking up Cheerios one at a time. He can pick them up, put them in his mouth, and if they start to fall out, he pushes them back in. The level of heart swell that happened in my chest when I saw this for the first time over the weekend was an 11.

Little Thing 2: 
My Norwex party was a success and through internet orders I hit the hostess limit for free stuff and discounts...which means I was able to afford their "Blue Sparkle Duo"....which is a toilet cleaning kit. No one should be as excited to clean toilets as I am. Since we spray Billy's diapers in there....yeah. I'll just let you wonder why I'm excited for another second.

Little Thing 3: 
Mom loves to stay at The Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island every few years with Dad when they get the chance, and today she bought Mrs. Meyers Clean Day Botanical cleaning products and soap, so her whole house and self smell like The Grand Hotel. Aren't nostalgic smells the best?

Little Thing 4: 
Piggy-backing off my mom's "little thing", I am burning "White Christmas" by Yankee Candle in my office. Actually, I have been for the last few weeks. And it is absolutely the smell of Christmas in a candle. Usually I like to buy different scents every year to experience all of them, but this is my new winner. Every year, White Christmas. Thank you, Yankee Candle.

Little Thing 5:
Billy is finally taking a nap in his crib today. After the holiday weekend, his schedule got totally wacked and he's been fighting me on it all day. Thank you, God. That said, I am so so SO inspired and thankful for every mommy on Facebook who shares their experience with me and tells me, "It will get better." I know it will,  but I absolutely will never get sick of hearing it from others. Thank you, mommies!!!!

What little things are you thankful for? 

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Humble Pie

There is a blog post floating around the Chicago Mom scene (read the full post here) about the "New Rules of Mommyhood". It's been posted in all of the mom forums I am a part of on Facebook and several friends have shared it as well.

I have to say, as I read it I felt like I was eating one big, fat slice of humble pie.

Since I wrote my Word Vomit post about how frustrated I am when moms quit breastfeeding because they just get sick of it, I've basically felt like a horrible human being for admitting those thoughts out loud. I won't delete the post, but just know that I feel like I belong in the cast of Mean Girls or Orange is the New Black. Or something else where girls are ruthlessly cruel to one another.

Granted, the mistakes I have made, I have learned from...but I've basically done every single thing on this list. I do not like that one bit. My thoughts are in italics - I've abbreviated the full "rules" and you can read them in their entirety through the links below. 

The New Rules of Mommyhood 

(By Baby Sideburns)

1. You are not allowed to brag that your kid sleeps late all the time. I totally did this when Billy was itty bitty. Karma is slapping me in the face now because I'm lucky to go a night with fewer than three wake ups. 

2. You are not allowed to talk about how easy it was to get preggers. Guilty again. 

3. You are not allowed to judge other moms for anything about breastfeeding. This would be the Word Vomit post I mentioned. I breastfeed! Proudly! But keeping your baby alive is a feat and it takes a VILLAGE. If you chose formula, BRAVO! Your baby is alive and well and that's a huge success in the eyes of all moms. 

4. From this point forward, you are not allowed to buy anything for another child that you would not want in your own house. Totally bought a huge box of Duplos for a one year old's party and while I was wrapping it thought "I bet he has a thousand of these....and someday I will too...and I'll have to store them. UGH." 

6. You are no longer allowed to brag that you cooked a three-course dinner. Yep. Guilty again. Read, "Sweetest Day"

11. From now on for every happy, smiley, wonderful picture you post on Facebook, you are required to post a more realistic picture of a moment when your child was acting like the devil’s spawn. Contrary to what you may believe, this will make people like you more, not less. I DO THIS. So badly, I do this. Granted, Billy is ridiculously happy between the hours of 7am & 7pm. It's the 7pm-7am shift that makes me want to tear my hair out. But, the lighting for a pic of it would be terrible, so I don't post photos. In fairness, I HAVE posted a photo of him being ridiculous on Instagram: 

Allow me to explain this photo. For a few weeks (around 12/13 weeks old timeframe) Billy was so unruly he just screamed all the time. I thought, "Wow this is terrible, he must be teething" because I am a first time mom and know absolutely nothing about babies, including my own.

It wasn't until I read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child that I realized my son wasn't teething, he was showing EVERY. SINGLE. SIGN. IN THE BOOK (literally) that he was over exhausted. I had no idea. I was living with a tiny, sleep-deprived demon of a child and had no idea. I just kept pumping the Tylenol in him. He'd fall asleep from that, then wake up and be happy again. WOO! I thought I'd solved it all.

What's my point? Oh. That it takes a village and I'm sincerely sorry if I ever offended anyone with my parenting opinions or tactics shared on this blog. We're all out there to survive. And with my little Billy boy waking every 2-3 hours to nurse all night long like the good 'ole newborn days, I'll admit that I'm barely surviving.

Now, go snuggle your baby. Because you're a great mom. I am learning to be one too. 

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Friday Word Vomit

It's FRIDAY!!!! And I am so happy. Prepare yourself for what you're about to see and read...an uncensored version of my stream of consciousness. Enjoy :)

I am currently in love with the Nikon V1. I've been shopping for a digital camera for a while, because we've been on so many trips and our iPhone cameras don't do the beautiful scenery justice. We have virtually zero photos worthy of a frame from our last year of traveling, and it makes me very sad. So I'm drooling over the Nikon....unless...

The iPhone 5 I have on the way turns out to have an outstanding camera. I have read the specs and seen the videos, but until I actually use it and see the quality, I don't believe it is better than the Nikon for photography. Quick shots of Princess? Sure. Beautiful photo of the mountains in Montana? Probably won't cut it. Speaking of Princess...

She's been acting out. Like a little snot. Bill went to finish another part of the deck last week and found she'd been using this post as a chew toy. I tried to plead her case...and tell him it must have been a squirrel, but sure enough when we watched her outside, she went straight to the post and started nibbling. Hopefully, I scared her enough when I caught her doing it (imagine stomping, screaming, clapping, and jumping) she won't continue this habit on our BRAND NEW DECK. She hasn't touched it since, so we'll see. The deck...

...isnt' finished yet, but Bill has it on the agenda tomorrow so when it is 100% I will photograph and share it with all of you. We've been using it, I actually enjoy my evening read out on that orange chair & listen to Princess play in the yard. This has been a good week for Princess because since she has been acting like a lady again...

Her first BarkBox came!! She could smell all the goodies inside so it was all she could stand to sit here like a good girl while I took her photo. This month it came with a toy she is OBSESSED with called a Crinkit - You stuff an empty water bottle in it so while they play, it makes that crinkle sound from the plastic water bottle. She thinks it is the absolute. best. thing. ever. 

In other news, I'm sick of our laundry detergent and I think it's time to switch. I've read at least a hundred tutorials on how to make my own laundry detergent, but I just don't think it's right for us. I've been using a liquid ALL Brand, and if I forget to switch the laundry for more than a few hours, the whole load smells sour until it's totally washed again. To be honest (excuse my launguage) it really pisses me off because I'm not perfect and I ALWAYS forget to switch laundry!

In our condo, we had an all-in-one LG Washer/Dryer, so I just tossed the laundry & detergent in, hit "Play" & 4 hours later our clothes were clean & dry! This switching thing is really a headache.

I think I'm going to switch to Tide powder - I love the classic scent, it reminds me of my childhood, before liquid detergent was all the rage. I want our clothes smelling fresh & clean. This BO/sour laundry smell has got to go! I know it could be our water...but it doesn't smell foul when I do dishes or take a shower, so I think the detergent scent just isn't strong enough. Time for the big guns, because I doubt my laziness will subside.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend :) Enjoy it...FALL STARTS TOMORROW!

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Summer Playlist 2012

My favorite part of the day is the morning. While I drive to work. Weird, right? Hear me out.

Every morning, I have a distinct routine. After getting ready physically, I start to prepare for the day mentally. I make our lunches (and sometimes our dinners) and pour myself a chai.

I take care of Princess and climb into my little car to start the 14 mile haul to the office.

And I push play on my current playlist.

Some of the songs are totally nerdy, but I'm a total nerd, so I embrace them for what they are. (Yes, "Call Me Maybe" is on the list. How could I leave that jam off!?)

As I cruise down the road with the windows down, rocking my Wayfarers, I sing and tap my fingers (okay, sometimes I really rock out and pretend I'm the drummer) on my steering wheel.

I've built this playlist for Summer 2012 because I love the nostalgia that music evokes. I love hearing songs years from when I originally had a memory and being brought right back to when and where I was when I first heard that beat.

Here is a breakdown of what a few of these little gems remind me of:

• Mumford & Sons: Little Lion Man & The Cave are my two favorite Mumford tunes, firstly because they have insane harmonies. Secondly because Mike & Joe cover each of them, making me weak in the knees. I know, I know. My husband is in an AMAZING 90's cover band - but this summer a close friend introduced me to Mike & Joe. Immediately, I became obsessed (read: borderline mental) with them because I love the memories my friends and I have created while at the Mike & Joe shows. The smell of the crowd, the smiles and ridiculous dance moves. So much happiness in one room I could drink it.
• Glee - "I Won't Give Up" / Original by Jason Mraz: This song makes me cry virtually every time I hear it. I frequently have flash-forwards of what life may be like in 17 years, and this song takes me right there. I imagine singing it to our future children while they stumble through their teen years.  I am not naive. I know our children will be the same as every other teen, they will make mistakes and do things that will make me want to tear my hair out. I imagine this song will give me strength, even all those years from now. I suggest current mothers of teens give it a listen. Caution: Moms, you'll cry.
• Taylor Swift - "Sparks Fly": Did any of you watch the Macy's 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular this year? Yep. This song brings me right back there. Laying on the couch with my husband, wrapped up in his arms, so in love it hurts because I could hug him until he pops.
• Colbie Caillat - "Brighter Than The Sun": My best friend and I played this goofy game in college (I made it up): You pretend your iPod is a Magic 8 Ball. Set the iPod to total song shuffle, ask it a question, and hit 'next'. The song that pops up is the answer to your question. There is one question I can't share yet, but more times than once this has been the answer :) 
• Fun. - "Some Nights":  The first handful of times I heard this song, I sobbed. Absolutely sobbed because it made me so happy (Seriously, I cry at everything). I still feel my heart expand in my chest when I hear it because of one specific line, "Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for." It is so true. I have morals, I have beliefs, but really...What do I stand for? This is a question I ask myself every day in hopes I continue to better myself and improve the things I believe in. 
• Erin McCarley - "Love Save The Empty": Three years ago on June 11, I lost my best friend. My horse of 8 years. My rock. I am forever changed because of the strength he gave me and when I lost him, I felt so empty. Driving home from the farm after I lost him, this song came on. I listened to it on repeat every minute I could that summer and I prayed. I prayed that Love save me because I felt empty. I was in a loveless relationship that was going nowhere. I felt empty without my horse, my best friend who was there for me every heartbreak through middle school, high school and college. I felt empty as a brand new college graduate with nowhere to work. In August, I had full time employment. In September I met Bill. Love did save me. Every summer, I listen to this song on repeat and give thanks.

What's on your summer playlist?  What do those songs mean to you?

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High

Friends have always joked with me that I must be on drugs. Apparently it is abnormal for any person to be as happy as I am.

Since we bought the house, Bill and I constantly post about how happy we are to be homeowners…and before the house, it was how happy we were to be on vacation, and own a dog, and be married, and be engaged…you get the idea. We’re a happy bunch! And we love to share.

The sad part for me is seeing those “Give me what you have” and “Being that happy can’t be legal” comments. I think to myself, “Why isn’t everyone this happy?!”

I believe in positive energy. It’s not that negative things don’t happen in my life, because trust me, they do. I just choose to constantly share overwhelming happiness and joy in hope to encourage positive energy from others. I understand that your boss may be a b*&^( and your car may have crapped out on you, but at least you have a job, to pay for that car!

I’ve been through my fair share of darkness and my mom always told me, “Once you hit rock bottom, stop digging.” It’s really resonated with me through the years and IT WORKS. I have plenty of meltdowns, as you would know reading through this blog, but I always try to take a positive note from each lesson I learn. If you’ve reached the darkest depths…start searching for a light!!!

Also, I pray. A lot. I pray for good things, I pray for bad things. Record Scratch Yes. I pray for bad things. I don’t say “Dear God, I hope you take a crap on my day”, but I do say thank you for the bad things because they help me understand His mission, and appreciate every good thing so much more. (If you’re looking for a little help in the prayer department, Bill and I love this daily devotional)

I’m not sorry that I’m happy. I promise I’ve never done any drugs and never plan on taking prescriptions for my mood. I’m just high on life. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I’d guess if you started saying “Thank You” every time something doesn’t go terribly for you, you’d see that you have a lot to be grateful for too.  

The more you acknowledge the positive, the less the negative will bug you. 

What do you say? Are you up for the challenge? I dare you to tweet something you’re thankful for. Find me @jessbedsole and I’ll return the favor ;-)

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