The Tub Turd

I've learned recently that there comes a sweet part of toddlerhood. The part where your child listens (sometimes) when you say, "No," or "Please bring that here," or, "Be careful". The part where you can calmly sit and watch bath time without jumping every time they lose their balance in the tub.

This time, I've learned, is also the poop-in-the-tub stage. They are now comfortable enough while they sit or stand in the tub without you hovering that they start to make that face. That horrible, terrible, hilariously innocent and guilty all at the same time..."Poop face".

It happened to me this weekend. I was sitting there, enjoying a moment of relaxation while I watched Billy take a bath and thought, "Boy isn't life grand!" and WHAM. There it was: Poop face. Promptly followed by a turd in the tub.

Panicking, I didn't know what to do. My immediate response was both immature and inappropriate. I laughed. Well, laugh is probably too light. I burst into an unrestrained, tears down my cheeks, full-bellied cackle. Billy thought it was so fun to see mommy's fit of hysteria that he too began to giggle.

"WHAT DO I DO?!" I shouted, mid-scream-laugh. Without thinking, I reached in with my bare hands and plucked the turd from the water. Then, startled by the texture of my son's freshly released feces, I laughed so hard that I dropped the turd on to the tile floor. SQUIRRRRT it jittered across the floor, leaving skid marks in its turdy trail.

"OH GOD!" I shouted to Hubs. "I LAUGHED SO HARD I DROPPED IT. I DROPPED THE POO."

Shaking with laughter, I picked it up between my pointer finger and thumb and plopped it into the toilet, squealing while I rushed to flush that bad boy down. Immediately, I washed my hands.

While I dried my hands, I peered back into the tub where Billy had been giggling at me. Little did I notice the face he'd been making while I had my own episode....there in the tub, were two more turds.

"BABE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I shrieked. "Get me a bag or something! HE did it again!!! POOP IN THE TUB! POOP IN THE TUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

At this point I was dancing around the bathroom in disgust and confusion, while still overflowing with laughter. Arms flailing, tip-toeing around in my own tribal dance. Poo-dance.

All the while, Billy laughed. What a silly mommy.

Finally, I came to my senses and realized MY KID WAS BATHING IN SHIT WATER so that needed to be addressed.

Hubs came to the rescue with a baggie and the turds were extracted from the tub. The water was drained and I was able to compose myself long enough to scrub Billy from head to toe and shower him off with clean, non-turd-infested water.

Later, I asked on some Facebook groups what other moms do in this situation and learned some valuable tips:

If your kid poops in the tub, keep a cup nearby. Scoop the floaters and flush them down. DO NOT REACH IN WITH YOUR BARE HANDS. And for crying out loud, keep it together. Your kid could trip and fall in the tub and drown, you know.