I Am Ready, I Am Fine

It's a new year! That means it's time for new beginnings, right? That's what everyone is saying. This past few days off work I've spent as much time as possible on the couch, and it feels magnificent. I've also spent it finding a few articles that help my inner-self.

I'm usually a very confident & self-assured woman. However, every once & a while we all have our slip-ups. Lately I've found myself saying things that are uncharacteristic of myself, and thinking things that are worse. While in these conversations I can hear my "inner watchdog" saying "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" and still somehow my inner rebel remains victorious....meaning: I say stupid shit. Frequently. More frequently as of late. I am ashamed of this. I am hurt by this. I am saddened by this.

I fall asleep at night listening to the audio version of The Bible. I am co-leader of our church Youth Group. I am a Director at work. I own an energy-efficient vehicle. I am an animal-activist. I believe in recycling. And still, I say stupid shit. No one is perfect, no one says the right thing all the time & the more I think about the stupid things I've said & done lately, the more down on myself I feel. Just because it's a new year does not mean I feel like I need to "reinvent myself" or build myself up to being this massive hulk-like wonder woman of a wife. I want to be me. That's all I want. This year, I want to be me. My old me who was infinitely happy & excitable. I want to let go of those friendships that didn't work out & the recipes that flopped. I want to embrace change & take more chances. I want to think more about "we & us" than I do about "me & I" while still allowing for PLENTY of "ME" time.

Here are the articles I've read this weekend that have stuck with me, I strongly recommend reading all three top to bottom.

10 Things To Stop Caring About Today

2012: A Year of Support

30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself

Now is the time to act on the good things & appreciate everything I can. Every day I've been off, I've been tweeting about the "little things" that I appreciate. Mostly, the things I tweet about are Princess-related, but there are thousands of things every day that I appreciate, but don't take the time express my appreciation. The best thing for my morale this weekend has been thinking about and thanking God for the little things. The cup of tea that's still warm, even though I brewed it an hour ago (that's more thanks to my Tervis Tumbler - but still, thank you God). Thank you for the old & warn-in hoodie that still fits and gives me comfort & warmth. Thank you for a more spacious condo now that Christmas decorations have been put away. Thank you for a husband who texts me all day, reminding me of little tasks that would make him happy - keeping me busy & feeling productive. Thank you for every time Princess brings the ball back. Thank you for my favorite Pandora Radio station.

I'm determined - not to bury the feelings of self-deprecation & disappointment - but to embrace them & transform them into something positive. Every moment I feel saddened by something I've said or a way I have acted is an opportunity for me to improve myself & learn how to better my actions in the future. I am not a bad person, I am a 23 year old newlywed who has her ups & downs. No one is perfect, and I'm proud to admit I am still finding my way. What fun would it be if I were flawless??