Do Over // YES

Hi. Hey. It's me. Again.

I'm probably the world's worst blogger. I mean, a lot of people tell me they "love" my blog and look forward to posts and in my mind I like to think I inspire a person here or there but really...I suck at blogging. Because I do this thing where I disappear for months and months. I can't keep up to save my life.

Well, I'm back. Hi people!! Today. I'm back for today.

Last week I participated as a guest in a podcast which will be released in a few weeks. Among other things, I mentioned this year I am making time for myself by reading. I love reading and I've missed it - though reading is like blogging. It's one of those things you love while you do it then months go by and you suddenly feel its absence from your life like a gaping, black hole.

So in this podcast I mentioned that I hope reading will inspire me to write again. I said I miss writing...

...? I do..? Until that moment when it came out of my mouth in its recorded for all of eternity glory, I had no idea I missed writing. Hey, subconscious. Thanks for popping up in the middle of something that's recorded for all to hear. Nice of you to join us.

Yesterday, as an effort to make more time for myself, I deleted the Facebook and Messenger app from my phone. I started to feel the effects almost immediately.

Do you know what happens when I don't check my news feed every 37 seconds? Nothing. Well, not nothing. I pay attention to my kids. I read. I clean the damn house. I fold laundry that's been in a pile for four days (okay so that's still on my list but I really am going to do it today). Nothing BAD happens if I don't check FB every waking moment.

I had become an addict. Now, I like to admit some of my addictions. Sugar is one I'm pretty proud of. I can pound a box of Girl Scout Caramel Delights with a side of Peanut Butter Patties before the first commercial break of Grey's Anatomy on a Thursday night. But my phone addiction? That was one I only half-admitted. It was like a joke to me. "Yeah, I'm addicted to my phone....ha...I can stop tho...anytime I want....." *scroll...scroll...scroll...like...comment....haha...sad face....poop emoji.....like* Don't get me wrong, seeing your kids is adorable but it was keeping me from seeing my kids. 

I would set my phone on the rocking chair to change a diaper before I nursed and WHILE I changed said diaper, I would glance over my shoulder at the phone. I felt anxiety build in my chest every moment I wasn't staring at my phone. Scrolling to oblivion.

What did I learn in all of that scrolling? What did it bring me? Turns out, anxiety. It brought me anxiety and helped me learn every possible thing I do for my children is wrong or stupid or will scar them for life so I might as well give them cyanide and dynamite to play with.

But seriously, EVERYTHING was contradictory. EVERYTHING gave me heart palpitations. Regardless of which school of thought I tried to follow consistently, I questioned myself, my abilities and my strengths. Not to mention, I questioned my children. And it left me with no time to actually DO anything. All I did was read about all of the things. I did not DO any of the things. I spent time worrying about the things. Worrying sucks. Anxiety is the worst. Addictions to phones are stupid.

Currently I am reading Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. Now, while Shonda and I have some distinct differences in our political beliefs, I can set that aside and admit that we are shockingly similar. Her attitude, her sense of humor, her vision of her self and her life are almost *too* similar to my own. She's really damn relatable (and writes a mean TV show...or three). As I read this book I realize all the things she does to improve her life, I could do too and improve mine. And I'm not talking like, "I should say yes more often to dinner parties with the POTUS" but more of a positive, self-discovery attitude. "Yes, I would be happier if I spent more time focusing 100% on my kids. I would be happier saying yes to more things that make me happy and doing more instead of dreaming more."

So, what am I doing here? Blogging? Well, turns out my kids don't want me staring at them every waking moment. They like to spend time exploring and adventuring which gives me time to do a little self help via word vomit.

I know, I just added another thing for you to scroll through and possibly cause you question yourself and your choices. Sorry about that. Instead of stressing out about it, think about what would make you happy right now. Then go freaking do it.

Ciao!