Allow me to explain...
My entire life, I've been ahead. I refer to things I have experienced as "microwaved" - you know, because when you cook, baking or roasting takes time, and when you cook things in the microwave it's like they're magic. They just are instantly ready to eat. Fast; nearly instant. Microwaved.
As an 11 year old child, I competed in sports with 15 & 16 year olds, I spoke maturely enough and convincingly enough that I could participate in conversation with adults frequently at an abnormally young age. In grade 5 the staff in my elementary school suggested I move to grade 8 math. I graduated high school in 3.5 years, college in 3 years; 6.5 years total rather than 8. I moved into a "Director" role after 1.5 years professional experience, 3 months later hiring my first employee, 5 additional months later hiring a second employee. While interviewing for my current position, they commented how few years of experience I had, then I explained my experienced was "microwaved" because while others with the same number of years managed one or two accounts, I managed 160. I've always dated men significantly older than I was. I got married at 23 (young for this day & age), my husband 7 years my elder. I am naturally quite mature for my age, therefore I get along best with those who are older than I am. I like to be ahead, I like to be on top. I'm naturally competitive not because I want to be the best, but I do always want to be better than average. I am an "Activator" according to Gallup; I think (a little) and immediately DO.
Right now, I am being forced to remain the same. I am forced to wait for our home. I am forced to wait to have our first child. No matter how many ways I am trying to skirt around what I want to happen, right now I need to wait. I am roasting. I'm baking. Right now I cannot microwave my way ahead. I have to just sit here, and wait it out. There is a tiny voice inside of me right now. It's sounds like a mosquito. In a proper mental state, I can ignore this mosquito, gracefully swatting it away, letting it waft around me without letting it effect my thoughts. However, sometimes that mosquito gets right into my ear canal. It's screaming buzz so loud I can't bear it a minute longer. It screams "JESS! HURRY UP! GO FIND A HOUSE! HAVE A BABY! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR! NOWWWW!!!!" and that moment is right now. I want to scream and throw things and tell the world I CAN'T WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE.
However, I have to wait. I know I have to, and I know I can wait. If this is a challenge, I gladly accept. I am stronger than the screaming mosquito. I will overcome this moment of weakness as I've overcome every other in my life. Just know that this is one of the more difficult emotional roller coasters I've ever experienced. Thank you God, for giving me strength.
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Though an army besiege me, my heart shall not fear; though war break out against me, even then, I will still be confident. (Psalm 27: 1, 3)
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
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Whoa, I could have written this. I've always been mature for my age, my fiance is several years older than me, and my career in web design and internet marketing was pretty fast-track. I've always looked for the fastest way possible to do anything, but lately I've found that I have to slow down. I desperately want to be writing full-time, to be married, to own a house, to have a baby, but everything is baby steps right now. It's especially frustrating because I keep seeing other people doing these things and that part of me is all, "Why not me too, man?"
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way!
You are so not alone!! I'm so glad you've found my blog and feel a connection here! That's why I started blogging - I want other women like me to know they aren't alone!!
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