And I'm sad to say, the answer is nothing. Or, am I sad? Maybe mediocrity is around for a reason. Maybe being middle-of-the-road isn't so bad, because when we have really good days we'll realize it & remember that life is all too short. It should be spent appreciating the little details of good, and embracing the moments of breakdown when you just cry because you can. Right now, I am crying because I can. I'm crying because I've had a beautiful night with Princess & we're so lucky to have each other. I'm crying because I can't wait for what's next and I'm terrified of what's next all at the same time. I'm crying because this blog post has moved me so tremendously I don't know that I'll ever think about adoption the same way again. I never considered having an adopted child who was disabled. I never considered the effects it would have on our family, let alone on me, emotionally. I've never battled depression, but all my life all I've wanted is to be a mother. What if when that day comes I fall into a depressed state? What if after all of these years of aching and hoping for a child of my own falls into a bottomless barrel of darkness? What if all these wonderful, beautiful ideas of motherhood are false and don't apply to me?
By nature, I'm an optimist. I cannot let myself sit here & cry & preach & whine about the "What ifs" but I do want to be honest to everyone and admit that these thoughts ARE crossing my mind and while I do my best to wash them away with a good cry now & then, they are real. And, I accept these feelings. I understand these feelings of guilt & fear are necessary for maturity & growth. I also find great comfort in knowing I will not be a perfect parent – no one could be. I don't know a parent in the world that is perfect, but I do know a lot of parents that strive for greatness & appreciate the little things. Here we are, full-circle. It's all about those damn little things in life.
Stop for a moment and smile at the little things. These are mine today:
- Princess & I had a "girls night" tonight. Just the two of us, played at the park, got baths (separately) & watched Gossip Girl. Now she's sleeping as close as possible to me without being IN my lap while I write this post.
- I made time tonight to write this post!
- I have an awesome color on my nails right now.
- We've already taken two vacations this year, and it's not even February.
- Princess snores.
What are your "little things" today to be grateful for?
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